The Aftermath

Hello,

Ok, so in my last post I discussed that awful period of limbo between realizing you have a medical issue and the understanding of the root cause.  That had to be the most difficult part of the process, as it was the most frightening.  Yet, although it was the most difficult part, it wasn't the worst.  That came immediately after.

Initially I had been diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis (I know, I know, I'm sounding like a broken record, but I have to reiterate) and I immediately went into a depression.  On the outside I maintained a positive outlook (at least I think I did,) and said things like "this will not define me" and "I won't let this defeat me."  But on the inside, I wasn't coping with it well.  I had immediately began researching it, and dove right into the pool of hypochondria.  I began wondering if that random pain was a symptom, or if that headache I had was progression, or if it wasn't time just for new glasses and I was loosing my sight... I went down the rabbit hole.

One of the major triggers for this was my new inability to play the violin.  That was one of my biggest and most therapeutic outlets.  No matter what was going on in my life, I could just pick up my instrument and everything would melt away.  For me, music wasn't just something to enjoy; it was something that had changed my life and was part of how  I defined myself.  Now, it had been ripped from me. 

(I should note that I was not particularly good at playing the violin, but I did enjoy it.  Heck, the hardest thing I could play was Summer from the Four Seasons... and pending on who you asked, it may have been painful to listen to.)

I gained weight almost immediately.  Now, I have always been chubby and will most likely always be chubby... but between my diagnosis in 2006/2007 and 2011, I went from being 185ish to over 240 (not great for a guy who's 5'6'', no matter how stocky I call myself.)  This has haunted me ever since, as now I'm in the 210 range... still way to big for my height.

Another kick in the pants came when I began having trouble walking.  I had intermittent numbness in my left side, greatly effecting the way I walk.  I began using a cane to steady myself, and at many times came quite close to some nasty falls.  This put a major dent, and ultimately ended, my other major passion and outlet: Hockey.  Since I was 6, I've played hockey, both ice and roller.  I love it.  I practically eat, breathe, and sleep it.  To that point, I had been a goaltender for all my life, and I saw that slowly slip away.

Surrounding all of this, I had a very stressful job at the time (I was an RA in undergrad, and an RD for half my graduate career.)  There were also some less than ideal relationships that contributed to this rough patch; but I wholeheartedly blame myself.  I became afraid of the "what's to come" and forgot about the  here and now.  I took comfort in food, and let myself wallow in self pity, and closed myself off from friends when I should have been grabbing life by the short and curly hairs.

Thankfully, now I have a much more (actual) positive outlook.  And I got here through a couple of realizations.  First, I realized that no matter what you go through in this life, there are a million others who are dealing with things far worse.  (As an RA/RD I saw some of these things first hand)  Secondly, this life doesn't have sympathy; so it's up to you to pick yourself up and take things one fight at a time.  My tertiary nugget of wisdom (if you can call any of this wisdom) is to surround yourself with a support structure if possible.  I was lucky enough to have a wonderful support structure (loving family, loving gf who is now my wife, great friends) that helped me pick myself up each time I was knocked down.

Hopefully there is a take-away somewhere in all that noise.

Thanks,
Adam

p.s. I promise that my next post will be a little less depressing, and a little less rant filled.  I'm thinking a non-ms related bit of jazz...  

p.p.s For those of you who are unfamiliar with the vernacular, an RA (Resident Adviser/Assistant) is a student who acts as a bridge between the dorms and the administration.  Many people view RAs as "hall cops" or "narcs" but I can assure you that they serve an extremely important purpose and exist to help students in a way that the administration or faculty never can.  An RD (Resident Director) is usually the next level up, and runs the day to day operations of an entire dorm.  The RD supervises a staff of RAs. 

This can be either a great and rewarding job, or absolute hell.  This depends on who is living in your dorm, how vigilantly you do your job, how neglectful the administration is, etc.  I have plenty of horror stories to come on this one.